CHAPTER 4 - KACHUMBARI

 

Hi guys. its been a minute. but not to worry machete is always sharpening the blade. so straight to business then. On Friday i woke up rather  Happy not that's its an normal feeling for me but something was different my machete sense was slicing, so i thought to my self " hmmmmmmm..........what is this feeling, i certainly haven't felt this in a while, must be too much lungula...............let me explore more." so after much consult with my trusted side kick the Machete journal i decided to set of on a self discovery trip.
so there i was in class trying to make sense of right and wrong while I'm trying to focus on the ubber difficult unit that is simulation and modeling, THEN! SUDDENLY!!! my eyes decide to grab attention of a one fine bootyfull, Ms.Panther. i tell u guys machete has never had a crush like this one; she was a sweet thing i could see; me ,her and a few mini machetes slicing around the compound that's how serious things were.but that's an operation for another day. back to class.
i was seated next to my accomplice mr.POKO who has the skill of 10 super hungry street pokos i tell u there is no girl he cant get but we both know there's a reason why his not called machete.....................so he tells me " We buda leo lazima katame, nakusho kuna ma mresh flani jo!  lazima tukate kate au sio?" machete says "xswing ,xswing.....lazima bro." so he tells me a bout a plan for the night.............

5 hours later....................................

"Chug! chug! chug! chug! chug! chug!   chuuuuuuuuuuuuggggggggggg!!!!!!!" as machete was being cheered on to flash the "naps" by the boys.................yes i guess it was a boys night out this time round. so where were we: NAIROBI WEST; who:ALL THEBOYS including mr.POKO; female company: 3NYANAYAS n a KITUNGU. let me break it down

NYANYA= married ladies looking to sharpen machetes blade (double edged)
KITUNGU= fellas I'm talking bout THAT fine piece of ass that makes u bite your finger and shed tears. yup! you know what I'm talking about

and as you all know ; machete had that one covered. but we all know "kachumbari" isn't complete without ......………………that's right nyanya. and machete had 3. so we position ourselves right next to them nyanyas and straight away the love was flowing.

now i know some people may say that karma is a bitch and hitting on married women is a lamo! move but in machetes hand book of slicing "Mtoto akililia wembe MKATE KATE!" and so u know what machete did. ;-) so let me describe these nyanyas more in detail

NYANYA 1
she was the drunkest of all, shirt all drenched in tusker nasty horse hair weave looked like a mop. and talking smack. No sooner than machete made his presence known nyanya was talking bout how she wanted to sharpen machetes blade so i was like no no no...... what does machetes handbook of slicing have to say
"Machete only makes precision slices.....this right hia is sloppy," so that one i left to mr.POKO who wasted no time.

NYANYA 2
This one was more sober than the previous one.she was a potential candidate to sharpen machetes blade But hold on machete spotted something…………….there was a large chunk of flab married to her waste that acted like a counter balance every time she took a step . additionally she wore a red tight dress coupled with those nasty 3 n 1/4 tights with the lace pattern at the end jus to add insult to injury. machete could not believe his eyes when he so mr.POKO eyeing her top 2 bottom like she was a piece of mshkaki on the flame as he mumbled out “We buda lazima nikate nyanaya leo kachumbari katambe…………..”  machete had to refer to his machete handbook of slicing page 16 chapter 4 “Flab is a potential life/health hazard………..do not operate heavy machinery under the influence.”

NYANYA 3

Was more of a fresh nyanya; before I forget, all these nyanyas were married with kids and hence this explained why they were the 3 of them drinking silly at a bar in Nairobi west. “is married life that much of a guillotine………” machete thought to himself.

back to the nyanya… she was yellow yellow from TZ and had a back office………………..lets jus say machete would love working for the “company back office job” so she was the most talkative not forgetting nyanya 1 who was all over the place. NYANYA 3 had some horse hair that I could at least say looked like the horse hair yenyewe straight of the neck………………..so she was like”oooh machete I see u like what u see; but sorry honey u can only eat from the plantation but nothing leaves the plantation”……………..and that’s when it hit me…………’ni wako ukiwa na yeye lakini ni wa mwingine akiwa inje’……………..or something like that hence machete had to scroll through the machete handbook of slicing and sure enough on page 206 chapter 52 paragraph 4 line 6 “A bountiful harvestis only as good as the machete that is harvesting the crop'’…….”say no more handbook say no more“ machete thought.

now the KITUNGU

MY OOH MY she was fresh and straight from the shamba. I was so excited I couldn't hold it in…………..but a machete has to keep cool under pressure. so I played along. all night long  THEBOYS like hungry pigs were throwing down their lives but non managed to slice non but the one and only MACHETE! who said not more than three words [xwing!, xwing! , babe] and the KITUNGU was tagged and bagged.

bout 1 hour later……………………………………………

We are in town searching for more “naps” . at this juncture I probably figured that the kitungu was high maintenance;but alas!!!  all that quickly changed after mr.POKO offered her a sip of the naps and she flashed it quicker than you could think machete. no problem though I still had faith………………

I don know weather it was the naps or the kitungu or both the naps and the kitungu combined that made her so touchy touchy that she had to be machete’d hence I took her to machetes Ferrari and lets jus say utamu wa kachumbari ni KITUNGU!!!!!

CHAPTER 3 - Another day Another kibao

PARTEEEEEEYYYYYYY!!!!!! PEOPPPPPLLLLLEEEEE!!!!!

THAT WAS HOW MY MORNING BEGUN.

If you know me well you would know where my all so famous party people phrase begun so this how ish went down.
a few days/(not so sure )ago, i was with my boy call him "rasta"(subject to change ) and we were bored as death so we decided to do the usual local. so he called me up we arranged to meet at the usual place of business. we were three of us excluding machete, but when we reached our "kamkunji grounds"; some how the number had multiplied itself and we were now surrounded by three other randomities who had the shadiest of manerisims i have come across to give you a clearer picture let me go back to the beginning.

Earlier on that day i was at "job" being sumbuliwad; i was waiting despairingly for the clock to hit 5 - machete time........ so i decided to start gathering up my fellow soldiers for the "orgy fest". But this time round there was a new edition i call her "swahili maringo". she!; i met at work she!; was coming from a sad place. as i got to find out during our bonding session. she! found Nairobi life a tad too fast for her comprehension so i did not judge.After all Coast is slow. I also got to find out she could decimate.........get this; a HALF-LITTER VICEROY bottle neat! in three! sips. Now if that is not a  skill from the coast i don know what it be. Got me thinkin about what else she could swallow in #30 seconds ;-). Additionally she likes the "holly herb" which if i must say just completed the whole package of a 100%swahili drunk which is sexy???  right........not to be offensive but those swahili pp-pl do know how to get a party started..........or not???........ i don know; but one thing was for sure "swahili maringo " was definitively on the machete party people list...........SPECIAL INVITATION

So time sliced by and before i knew it i was two kibao sachets down, swahili maringo yes you guessed it, was on her 5th HALF-LITTER VICEROY botti.... i; was; amazed!.... Now i should mention this was where the night became interesting, as my much acclaimed "chips okota" joined the machete party people drunk wagon with "swahili maringo" at the helm leading the drunk parade. @ this time "rasta" was still attending to his "beauty bath" oooh he loves those so we decided to further indulge ourselves in the festivities. As usual "chips okota" arrived already higher than a kite no shock there, but the intetresting thing was that this time she was more composed than usual; which was very uncharacteristic of her. For she is  usualy bouncing off the walls. So we indulged some more..........then some more!!

-----------------------------------1 hour later-----------------------------------------------------------------------------

"Rasta"  finaly finished his beautification program..............and we were at  "kamkunji grounds" and this is where we pick up our story from party people............. So there we were.....Machete, C.Okota,S.Maringo, and Rasta ...doing it like it like it was 1965.....then in the midst of all the hype we came across three very intresting characters who i took the pleasure of giving names ;-) the first i called:

1. "Forcings" this man has guts or should i say his jus annoying. machete calls a machete a machete( (spade a spade) hatoshi machete power) so anyways; this brother was realy forcing himself on the ladies even my chips okota said enough is enough.......which is a rare occurence. lol but he still troded on until Swahili maringo happend. it was a wrap quicker than you could pronounce kibao!!!.

2 "ConfusedRasta" now this cat was similar to "Rasta "only that he wasnt. brother was rockin a reggae color belt coupled with skinny jeans and  some simba boots, talk about confused. And to add insult to injury  on top he was rockin those unfinished shirts; yea , u know the ones that every obb on nai rocks this days the ones that have unfinshed designs on the shoulders with nasty color full pinstripe patterns i tell you this brother looked like the chief clown of thi circus.

3. "SilentKiller" this name i chose because this guy was awefully silent; i tell you people were busy killing it having a blast this sad man was sitted the whole time i don think he stood up at any time from the time he enterd the club, he looked retarted to some point but i couldnt blame him as compared to his other two companions.

Now these three charcters took it upon themselves to come crash our fest!! don get me wrong i don hate company, in fact im quite open about new company but when u meet new people who don even try and bring something to the table......welll........... but ill honest admit,  they actally turned out to be a real swell crowd i couldnt complain.......or not!

The night was fueled by none other than the almighty KIBAO i tell you if there was a drink i was to marry it would be this drink right here. Now i know some off my readers may not share the same sentiments. and thats why they havent done it big until you come do it with machete and his kibao Delight. now as a parting shot from the machete aka last man standing; machete will reach dip into hismachete corktail vault and give you a mix garunteed to make u feel MACHETERISH

NOTE: this is a trademark signature drink and there fore should be tried at owners risk.

all you need are the following:
-FIVE 30ml sachet of kibao vodka like the one locted at the begining of this post.
-fresh apple, and ,passion juice. yea like the delmonte type
-crushed ice. prefarably snow ice.
-One loose girl......i would gladly offer you my chips okota but shes off limits (only machetes allowed)
-one whisky  glass.

now you could mix them all up or proceduraly have the loose girl feed them to you or you could jus do body shots. whichever sounds enticing.

ENJOY!!!

chapter 2 - GRENADE-(GRI-NA-DE)

NOW……………I want to explain the meaning of the word I have jus dropped above. by looking at the word one would pronounce it “in the Bruno mars way” grenade but my definition comes from my MachetE dic. fo the maims or heifers u come across and u don want to have that second glance with, the heifers you look at and you find your self making those faces like u dropping a dump know what I'm saying; the heifers who are plain shady, the heifers who rock that nasty, shiny, stiff, mirror looking horse hair, they call weaves, the heifers who have no tabia always portraying some shady ass stunts, yes!; the heifers I call GRINADE!!!!! (shoutED in a German accent)
now about 4 weeks ago (I think) I came across one such grinade!! I was out with my boy, a very close pal of his a (yellow yellow) and some chips okota of mine. we had gone to some posh joint on the outskirts of beautiful Nairobi. I tell you this place made me feel like a king; from the ambient surrounding , the location, the cars parked and the people; especially the people.
so as we walked in, all we; rather all I could see were those":
Hot Thick and Cashed out ;
Nairobi mamiz, I'm sure u constantly hia about and would probably want to “wife”; commonly they go by the name SUGAR MUMZ but in MachetE’s dic.I call em
H.T.C’S
yes my friends htcs reason being they are what the name is; hot, thick- n I mean fanta bottle thick and have damn money. so when we entered the joint I was expecting to grab a few HTC’S for myself after all who wouldn’t want such I mean think about it; no more bills, shopping on the house, expensive cars, never ending parteyz; among a few things on the list…..and its not gold digging ,more like MachetE sharpening the blade; (a break). so anyways as soon as we entered my MachetE sense picked up on a lot of hot htcz in the room all for but this one , grinade!!!! who was seated in the randomest of corners in the joint, as in the htcg was in some booth at the corner near the toilet not that the toilets were smely, but I mean; MachetE donslice that way. so me, my boy, yellow yellow and my chips okota found a booth adjacent to this ka grinade!!! (HTCG)
Now I quickly realized the joint was full of some fine asS HTC’S and machete wasted no time in plotting a machete massacre map……I had timed this hot one by the bar counter, then the next one was outside smoking and the third was seated a table behind me so I was good to g0o!………and jus when I was about to pounce I realized there was a theme going on @ the joint ; “alaaa !!! kube its karioke night!” as the htc behind me shouted. I was like this is even better for my slice plan for machete gon kill with the voice. I wasted no time I got up on the mike and sung one hot one…this as u can imagine got the attention of the HTC’s I was feeling like M.J back in his negro days…..so I pulled a few wohooos!!! and ahaZ!!!! u know some M.J ish…….n that’s where everything took a turn for the worst machete could sense his blade was about to get de-blunted
it first started with my chips okota feeling she had been promoted sijui by who to wife level, by coming UP on stage to mark her territory (nkt!!)…………machete was flabbergasted n realised I had to hepa this okota otherwise HTC’s would hepa machete. so I quickly pulled a fast moonwalk off the stage not realizing my trajectory I found my self right at the table of thE grinade!!! who was already mesmerized by machetes charm on the stage; so machete thought to himself
WHATS THE WORST THAT COULD HAPPEN
(that line has gotten me in shit b4)
so I positioned my self next to her strategically so as to evade my mwadhara chips okota. I tell u this so called “HTC” call her HTCG was a gurudumu beyond machetes wildest slices, I mean her face looked like a coloring book , I mean, machete don hate but; she had 6 different types of make up colors scribbled across her face, 6 different hairstyles having a territorial war on her scalp, 6 diff color attires on her body and 6 different ringtones for her six gurudumu htcg palls who she later called. I tell u machete never seen such before I was unable………..but I decided to look on the shaper edge; machete gon slice the all you can eat buffet in half.
so we started talkin………….
……………………6 hours later…………….
machete finds himself awake on a bathroom floor, his head feeling like it was sliced 6 times. had nothing on but his boxer and as he straggled (staggering) to get up and look in the mirror, he realized he had 6 different types of lipstick shades all over his face ”eishhhhh!!!!!” he thought, furthermore, he notice the same six shades all over his body;and I mean all over. so machete is thinkin “wtf!!!!”……………….. so machete decides to investigate. he steps out the bathroom and quickly realizes he's in some posh condo; and blacked out on the sofa are 5- get this: HTCG’s “OMG!!!!- what di I slice” n in that moment HTCG NO 6 arose from the same bathroom as machete and exclaimed “u sure know how to slice em honey!!!!!! , last night was foxy”

_______MAHETE GOT GRENADED=========X DEAD

chapter 1 - INTERN

well for y'all who know me n for y'all who don't this blogs is not meant to put anyone on the spot so please whatever you come across here is pure fiction more or less so enjoy n feeel free to comment or hate whichever fits the bill i will enjoy making a story out of it:-)

well i never saw myself as the serious type till that fateful day when my uni course came to an abrupt stop n i realized thing were getting thick fast!!!!, u see for me n many others who i speak for uni was, as we liked to call it "MAISHA LONDON"- that is life without no worries or no stress however u want to see it. so when my 4th year checked in it really had a brother AWAKEN n reality checked, in for it was now that time when u blossom into a more responsible trust worthy student who others could rely on n look up to, something like that. only problem was i never took anything seriously so i suddenly found myself in a dilemma...... too cut a long story short i was as fresh as i was as from the second week i stepped/(begun) into uni.

and here we/i found ourselves required to go complete a three month program  of internship that required a report @ the end of it all.so i was like cool piece of ass.....no problem-o right.....after all how bad/hard could it be.

----1 month later----
there i was settled in  @ some random ken-yan org, which i cant mention 4 legal reasons.....so far so good i loved the place, the food the women esp the women they were colorful n full of drama more than an episode of Spartacus  i found myself feeling like krygsus on his chip-o escapades in bartiatisez ludus (sixteen again):-)....i could say the men were grumpy old hags who were  a bunch of lazy ass grown as men how motivating they were, was the music replaying in my head. for mbochin 4 them was my major chore n the occasionally mpango za kando from the married women who were bountiful.........i only have one rule in such matter machete or get machete-d and damn straight u know i represented machete to the full sharpness of the blade.
now.... if u look at the word

INTERN-. trainee: an assistant or trainee working to gain practical experience in an occupation

"working to gain practical experience in an occupation"

Thats all i can comment for the moment.
DE-bluntingly and abundantly, i found myself fetching the morning, noon and evening tea n aka snack/chips saucer (4 me) on the side for my work mates- in this case my fellow junior staff as they were called which as u can imagine was not exactly the dream i had sowed.
 it then quickly dawned on me like manna from the heaven that this internship would be coupled with me reaping the seeds of my labor which literally was mbochin , which i must say -"itakua hard " but a machete got to do what a machete got to do..........for the terminal benefits were slicing!!!  xwin!!! xwin!! machete style :-)

anyways moving on to my main story. so last weekend was a very exciting experience for me for.......welll lets just say i enjoy being machete. as i was driving down to a certain posh Kenyan school in my Ferrari; i was accompanied by 4 of my very, well slightly, but mostly, but really not, exactly loose. we had a very interesting convo going on, ass off course us being the crazy people we are the party begun the previous night. n we were tryin to remember what happend last night n weather machete sliced or was machete de-blunted.
here's a highlight
i was with my boy at some posh club in the land of the west. where we came across a very interesting pill called (X) u know what i mean.......so anyways usually i have one rule; try something once and twice if u like it..... except 4 homo encounters machete don slice backward....... but i'm not homophobic so anyways we were there chilling, grab-in some, spot-tin some, slicing-some, that sort of thing, in this marvel of a club as we sip on some tuskers, and i could remember my friend complaining about how his night is boring n how he needs a wild card something to get him slicing n about, n that's when it happened  a close acquaintance possing as a 'fake ass drug peddler' came promising gifts from here to can-an so we took him up on his offer of (X) pills which from his excitement n the story's i had had were bound to make me fell like a milli looking to solve (y).
so me n my boy together with two other hot and i mean hot lady friends got down n dirty tryin to solve (y). pill (x) 1,2,3,4,5,6,7,8,9...........it reached a point where i gave up n it clearly dawned on me that mr drug dealer was a major hoax i din even feel a pinch; i couldnt belive that pill (x) let me down..........well 4 the moment that is.:-0

-------morning--------
woke up in my boys house nothing on but my boxer i din know what to imagine....... note pill (x)was consumed around 9 i woke up around 9 hmmmmmmm...... how did i solve ?(Y)